Last night I had a dream that involved a guy I recently met for two dates. Let’s call him Gabe. In real life, Gabe and I share a fondness for music, conflicting yet stimulating political views, the same alma mater, and we are the same age plus or minus two years.

After our second date, which involved a concert (for which he paid) and drinks (for which he asked me to pay), he walked me home and acted annoyed when I pecked his lip, reached for the door and said “Thank you. Goodnight.”

“You’re not gonna invite me up?” he huffed.

“Uh… I’m just really tired.” I was a bit taken aback by his presumption. I was also annoyed at the money issue. Though I bit my tongue that night and doubled-dutched (yes, we are both poor artists in Brooklyn), quite frankly, I’m not in a position to be buying a drink for a guy who asks me for a date. He had not earned points that night, and I didn’t return his text or call the next week. I was happy that I’d been strong in my opinion, because I knew I wasn’t interested.

But Gabe came back in the dream: He’d shown up at my apartment with boxes and notebooks that explained how I was supposed to live in my space, and he wanted me to decorate it with the things he’d brought. He was being petty and insistent and we had a big screaming match in which I’d finally put my foot down. I said, “I’m doing it my way and that’s it.” I cornered him and he ran out the door. I was left alone, shaken but grounded.

I woke up pretty startled today. I’m a big believer when it comes to dreams. I’ve been frustrated lately in would-be relationships with men, feeling unexpressed and always disappointed. I guess, like in the dream, nothing will change until I put my foot down.

It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, because we have no idea what will happen when we do put our foot down. We do know what happens when we remain passive (um, my pet peeve with both myself and others). We think we are protecting ourselves but we are usually just perpetuating the pain—the all consuming pain that could be nonexistent if perhaps we didn’t buy into it so much.