I recently encountered a book about being a BITCH in relationships. BITCH is redefined as: Babe In Total Control of Herself.  Three times in the past three weeks, I “happened upon” this book in different capacities, so I finally decided to open it and read.  I got angry. And maybe started bitching a little.

The author basically assures women that in order to keep a guy interested, do nothing but “act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer.” Yes, that sounds great, but that’s assuming all men are the same.

She also subtly advises, at many points to treat a man like a dog, conveying that being withholding and internally calculative, not expressive, will keep him coming back to you.  Men don’t like emotional women, she maintains, so she urges women to communicate more along the lines of men: not showing emotion. Be clear cut and dry.

“Never reward for bad behavior,” she advises. But men have egos that need to be stroked, so “if you are going out to walk the dog late, ask him to come protect you.” This will, apparently, make him feel masculine.

Now, the way I see it, the author’s valid and true point is about Value. Never give up your life or chase a man in hopes he will return your love and be all yours. Be independent, and maintain your dignity at all times, let him come around, prove himself and enact his ingrained Hunter role.

But let’s talk about this Hunter thing. The author touches quite a bit on unavailability.  Even if you are free, and a guy calls last minute, be unavailable, make him wait for you, and don’t be at anyone’s convenience. I see what she is saying, but it has always been my hope that in a situation that is meant to be, people can talk about things honestly. Although she denies it several times, I often feel like her book is one big instruction manual for a GAME.

I decided to take some polls of my own:

Steve, 43, comments, “Making yourself unavailable (on either side) creates in people with the right disposition a craved longing that can be maddening. In my case that gets reinforced by loving my mother who is in the 52nd year of emotional abuse by my father; so I’m subconsciously equating being made miserable to having love.”

So perhaps there are “men who love too much” too.

And this is my precise problem with BITCH book. It doesn’t really take into account male sensitivity, assuming all men want to be hunters and don’t want to be pursued or don’t have any emotional hang-ups themselves.

I think the notion of the man who doesn’t stop pursuing a woman until she tells him to drop dead, is a bit overrated, and in New York especially, it seems many men are more sensitive and will go away if you don’t contact them or express interest.

Here were some comments on the subject from men who see themselves as sensitive:

“If people don’t allow themselves to be available, I am not one to change their minds.”

“If you need to jump through hoops she’s a waste of time.”

“If a woman seems head over heels and can’t get enough of me, I get the same with her if I’m into her.”

“There is, of course, always the thrill of the hunt, and making oneself too available does come across as needy.”

In one man’s opinion, a girl who is, “too nice” or “needy,” is… “acting in a conciliatory manner out of a fear that expressing her real opinions will bring unwanted consequences, and she lacks the courage to deal with said consequences.” …One of which may be Losing the guy. BITCH author maintains that this is the precise difference between bitches and nice girls. Bitches aren’t afraid to be without the man.

However, I think there is something to be said for the fact that a woman can become “too nice” by default if she feels the man is interested but not showing it and she feels she can win him over. However, she must learn that in this case, she is seeing what she wants to see, and it is most likely not a healthy match.

“If I think about people I know who are together I think they just had a connection that kind of transcended this kind of thing,” wrote another guy.

So do we really need a book about BITCHES? I’m gonna be a Gemini right now and see both sides. The goods in the BITCH is fostering independence and happiness with yourself rather than thinking a man completes you, the bads, getting wrapped up in so-called BITCH behavior that actually seems more calculated and contrived than honest.