Everyone has been taught that violence is not the answer, yet horrible crimes like spousal abuse are still a common problem in society today. An average of 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically abused by a partner annually in the US alone, according to Abanet.org.

“I didn’t see it coming,” recounts Jane, in one of the dozen or so personal stories posted on the Domestic Violence Resource Center’s website. “We went out with some of his mates, and he had been drinking all day. Then he saw his old girlfriend…[and] he sat on her knee and kissed her. I became upset and went to sit in the car. He came bellowing over, so I locked the door. He put his fist through the passenger window then dragged me through it.”

Luckily for Jane, she survived the following beating. Others have not been so lucky; 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner in the year 2001.

Domestic violence, or spousal abuse, is defined in Webster’s Dictionary as “occurring when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person.”

Domestic violence often refers to the physical abuse of a significant other, but not all abuse is physical. Emotional abuse is also cause for concern. An emotional abuser “may use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation…to gain complete power,” writes Helpguide.org, a site dedicated to aiding those suffering from spousal abuse.

Heterosexual relationships are not the only ones that suffer abuse. Michelle, in another personal story from DVIRC, began dating another woman in college who turned out to be an emotional abuser.

“In the beginning it was like any other relationship…but four months in things changed. My clothes were silly, my hobbies stupid, my hair not flattering. She [Michelle’s girlfriend] dated other people…but when I showed interest in someone else, she ‘punished’ me with silence or mean-spirited arguments.”

“She would criticize me, and blamed everything that went wrong…on me. If I were more fun, if I were less of a nag, if I was more accepting, if I was thinner, she could commit to me and we could be happy [she told me]. There was never any physical abuse, but the emotional abuse was constant and extensive.”

In fact, LGBTs reported a dramatically higher percentage of serious physical abuse in a relationship. A staggering 39.2% of same-sex cohabitants admitted to being raped, assaulted, and/or stalked by their partner compared to 21.7% of heterosexual couples.

On the DVIRC website, Jade writes that she met a “wonderful” woman in college, who soon became her very first girlfriend.

“The first few months were wonderful. Then slowly, before I could even realize what was going on, it [the relationship] went bad.”

“It started with words. These words were followed by apologies. Soon came the fists-she would hit me in my body, not my face. It kept getting worse and worse. I got bloody noses, had my clothing cut off of me, knives and scissors held to my throat. She would even have me ‘watched’ in class to make sure I didn’t talk to anyone. She threatened to have her family ‘shoot up’ my parents’ house.”

Women are not the only victims of domestic violence. Men also fall prey to dominating lovers. Although roughly 85% of domestic violence victims are female, this statistic could be invalid as men are less likely to admit to abuse or rape.

Suzi Richters remembers how her mother used to beat her father.

“Dad used to drink all the time. He was an alcoholic. Mom hated that he drank, and used to beat him whenever he came home drunk or smelling of liquor. She called him a good-for-nothing-drunkard and a failure of a husband. Mom was a big woman. She knew how to hit a man.”

“I think the reason dad never left mom, the reason he stayed and suffered the abuse, was because he thought she was right. He knew he drank way too much and felt guilty about it. Also, he didn’t want to leave us kids with mom. She didn’t discriminate between him or us. She beat us kids just as much as she beat him.”

Domestic violence is a tragedy that occurs all too often. The primary reason it goes unnoticed is because people do not recognize the warning signs or refuse to see what is in front of them.

One of the biggest problems is that there is no set type for domestic violence. People of all races, genders, and sexes are abused. Both people with good and low self-esteem can become trapped in abusive relationships. Also, both men and women can become abusers.

MSU.edu posted a page of the primary warning signs of abuse on their website. The primary signs for someone who is being abused are injuries, excuses for those injuries or for the person involved, absences from work or school, low self-esteem (though not always), fear of conflict, not knowing what one wants or how one feels, and self-blame. Things to look for in an abuser include aggressive or obsessive care-taking behavior, accusations of having affairs, personality changes, and blaming the spouse for everything.

If you or someone you know is being abused, don’t hesitate to seek help. There is a plethora of websites, such as the Domestic Violence Resource Center and the National Domestic Violence Hotline, that offer advice, personal stories, contact information, etc. for those suffering from spousal abuse.

When Jane finally had enough of her abusive husband, she picked up the phone book and looked under “Domestic Violence” in the front section. There she found a number for the Salvation Army Refuge.

“An elderly man answered. I don’t know how he understood me through my many sobs as I tried to tell my story. He said, ‘Not now, tell me when you get here. Do you need help? How soon can you get here?’ My reply was, ‘We [she and her daughters] are on our way.’”

Never be afraid to reach out to others when suffering from spousal abuse. Empathy and care are important in overcoming an abusive relationship. Recognize the warning signs and seek help, for yourself and for others who are also suffering from abuse.