This past week, I participated in a study for young females. It included taking an herbal supplement twice daily that contained a few detoxifying herbs such as dandelion and a replenishing Vitamin B6. While the mood around the study was “weight loss/water pill”, I knew beforehand that I wasn’t getting myself into any sort of “Hydroxycut” madness.

I didn’t go into the study hoping to lose weight, but if I was able to detoxify my system a bit and get something out of it, I was game. I’m always on the lookout for herbal remedies. Out of simply taking the pill everyday and reporting my feedback, I would get a $25 giftcard to Sephora, a store I like that has relatively expensive merchandise.

I didn’t feel anything tangibly different from taking the pill except a little herbal aftertaste, which was not so enjoyable. However, other things seemed to come to the surface. For one thing, I realized how truly toxic my pseudo-relationship with Mr. Guy was. After last week’s column on Manual Labor, he de-friended me on Facebook.

My final threshold was when, on his birthday, I came down with a pretty unpleasurable sickness of aches, fatigue, and head-cold which lasted five days. I guess I was trying to get him out of my system.

When I went in for the “after” interview for the pill, one of the assistants, a slim, straight-haired brunette, immediately inquired, “Did you lose weight!? I want to try it next!”

“I don’t think so. I didn’t feel very different. ”

I became annoyed because I didn’t think weight loss was the goal. In my taped “feedback,” I was asked a few generic questions: does my body affect how I feel about myself (yes, duh) and the last one being, would I recommend it or try it again. I suddenly found myself saying NO.

NO, I didn’t need the burden of taking a pill and depending on it to regulate weight. In fact, I think the action of taking such a pill is futile in itself because it puts an added pressure around “body” itself and is just another product that sells us a book of goods will supposedly make us more confident, when the body is a thing that needs to be lived in, forgiven, and allowed to experience what it craves. Confidence is always going to start within and not because of a pill.

I felt the best today, after I said that all on camera. So, I guess I can thank the study for that.

With my gift certificate in hand (which came in a travel mirror box), I went to the nearest Sephora. Sipping a smoothie, I walked around browsing. I felt overwhelmed. What did I need? What brand? It was then that my eyes saw a pack of makeup remover wipes for $8. I knew that was what I needed to buy today.

As I walked home over the Williamsburg Bridge, I noticed Mr. Guy’s apartment (literally under the bridge). I could see into a small window in his bedroom. There was a mess on the ledge of papers and trinkets. Out of the kitchen, I saw a rooftop that I never seemed to notice before, with piles of various broken items: guitars, a keyboard, wood, lots and lots of stuff. From my view from the bridge, his space looked like a mini toxic waste dump.

And I went home to my own clean apartment and used a makeup remover wipe.